yearning

GOD DAMN i iss traveling. i miss europe. I miss paris. I miss london. I miss my god damn sense of freedom of not giving a fuck and just going. my bose headphones is forcing me to reminisce the past and fall in love with is all over again. I forgot I had so much hope, dreams, plans, semi committments but shit, not anymore. During Covid quarantine, it's as if I erased all of that. God I miss him though. I miss the race, the chase, the smiles, the fuckin looks. ALONE that makes me miss ...... but miss what? a snippet of something that was 'FUN'? The flitry days? I mean, I love my marriage. I love my husband. But god dan, these bose headhpones.......what you do to me is like posion. I wsa exploring europe. I was exploring the possibilities. I was going. I was GOING. I was invincible. But....The universe had other plans. But sitting here I am ALLOWERD to love that. TO FEEL THAT. TO WANT THAT. No? I can't do it with David. Too powerful. David is my kryptonite. I just fall hard.Maybe it's becasuse of my past? He's been there. through it, not literally but in my mind. definitely timelie wise. But M has been just a breath of fresh air. Much needed dose evry now and then. Why can't I have it all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA wtf am I thinking Hanz Zimmer......wtf...that was another connection. WHat is the universe tellling me?I want to love everything. but it's not reality. Can I love everyything else while loving JAN. it's not me. HE won't allow it. roles reversed, I wouldn't allow it

someone take me over. take me away. i want freedom. I wan tto go where ever the fuck I want I don't want to consider anytone else but me Slefish? yes i guess. So many considerations. So manyb peope to please. what makes us happhy? Maybe that is the question. what is going to meka eus happy? but we don't have ecombined happniess we don't want the same things. I think that is the problem. that is the issue. we don't want thte same thing. we are not the same and how ever we fight, it will never be the same

the core

wow, my last post was 2015, 4 years ago. So much has changed. I realized I am so scared, my identity seems to have been stripted away little by little, inch by inch. As I was writing to my sister this morning, the last decade and a half, my life was modeling. whether I liked it or not, it was it. it was my bread and butter. It was my life. It was my freedom. It was my escape. Coronavirus has stripped all of that away from me. 2 weeks ago when I got back to Manhattan from 2 weeks of traveling, I thought to myself finally, I can get back to my normal routine. I was away in Feb in LA to see my dad, only to learn he was staying longer due to the virus. We had finally found some semblence of normalcy. We had agreed to stay in NYC for another year. I opened a new door to meditation and spirituality. This was going to be my focus. and day by day, the uncertainty grew like an unknown tumor until what we were faced with everything shutting down....economy slowly stopping, no one every would think it will happen to them but it happened to me. This morning. I realized it wasn't my husband or his company I was losing. I was losing myself. I was losing my identity. I was losing my life. The life I so cherished and pranced around about. It is gone. Indefinitely. Can I just mourn this? I didn't think I was the one mourning. I never thought I would be the one losing my shit. But I am. Al my plans of working in europe. All my runaway plans with myself exploring the world when I had a perfect world at home. the last week I've been so positive, telling everyone I was great, meditating, working on myself. Utilizing this time to do me. But it may have been a form of denial. Being a stay at home wife for a 2 weeks was wonderful but the truth always comes out. I wasn't cut out to do this. I kept saying this is the universe telling us what we need to do. What is the universe telling me to do??? switch identity? But did the universe want to tell me how to transition? Thank you to my sister for throwing this realization to me.

i just want to be loves. i want to feel love. i want to feel wanted at all times. i want, i need, i crave the feeling of being wanted and loved and craved. i want to love, passionately love, need, caress, touch, someone. i don't want to battle for love and intamacy. the feeling of intimacy is so fuckin hard. i want it. i feel sometimes i want to burst because i have a deficit of that feeling. i don't even know how to fuck describe it. It's just fuckin loving someone to the fullest! god damn it why is it so hard. why is it so hard to ask for that.?I want to be cared for, i want someone to always have me on their mind. I want the feeling of both feeling the same passionate way. I have been trying all my life to crave that feeling. attention from my significant other. i don't give a fuck if its from my past. I'm over it. I'm over my god damn abusive relationship. I am over. it. I was fonw when the 7 year mark hit. I was fuckin odone. i just want to feel it. i don't care about the material bullshit. I just want to feel it. I yearn, crave, need it. i just want to feel like I am always wanted at all times. because i do the same for my partner

fourth of july. i don't care about the US. i should but i don't. US holidays are for my family to get together and have an excuse to splurge on food and just hang out. me being the cleaner and caretaker, my sisters being the cooks and authority of 'things', brother in laws just hanging, mom as safety. i am scared of this feeling. of drifting away from him. but the nervousness and anxiety that i had once have now disappeared. is this the feeling of almost exiting to another world? is this how it is suppose to feel when things are over? i only remembered when tyler moved out, I was a wreck. I didn't feel so bad about josh because i started dating. will i didn't feel bad because he was just a straight up dick. daniel i felt guilty. i knew it was ending but he wouldn't let it go. Paul was inevitable. I tried so hard in taipei but he was clueless, much like my current one. david was somewhere in between in HK. i don't want to go back to the others. i'm tired. long day taking care of household needs. i want to try to make sure my sisters are comfortable as they already have tired lives. less time to themselves. the more i stay here in LA, the more I am at peace.

when your happy like a fool
let everything take it over
this has gotta be the good life

where......i want this....good good life....one republic

i feel 30% of it right now.

if id as depressed, i wldn't be like this but i know it....

good good life


dream

house, ricardo, see steph, pitch black, house starts moving....like soil is loosening...

free fall......pitch black

freeeeeee fall......stomach falling out with fear

all i can think about is my family, where is my family?~! i will never see them again

even when the house stopped...i felt like i couldn't breathe....where is my family?!

i think everybody wants an identity dear, these are the words from the video i sent you. i know this might be weird, or a shock but i'm ok. i just found this video that represents my feelings. last year when i found this, i forgot about it...then i found it again... there is a reason i said i'd be happy alone it wasn't cuz i thought id be happy alone it was because i thought if i loved someone and then it fell a art, i might not make it its easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it what then you don't have and lean on it what if you shape your life around it and then... it falls apart can you even survive that kind of pain losing love is like organ damage..its like dying the only difference is, death ends this....it can go on forever when i saw this last year, i was so sad. arlene was not in the picturer...just me, and my boys but now, everything

beyonce and Jay Z on a ski trip with me and Jan. Jay Z

i finally know the feeling. the feeling to know for sure your feeling. not the uncertainty. the feeling you always been waiting for but when it comes you don't want it because its scary. i don't know if i can ever go back to the beginning feelings with him. i don't believe. i don't have faith anymore. we are so many worlds apart. there is no understanding, no dimensions, no space between us. i feel one dimentional. its not that i don't care, i do, deeply for him but it is here. my clarity. i finally know the feeling of owning my feelings. it is exhilerating but at the same time unknown. this feeling is so peaceful like the flowers in the meadow moving from the wind. i think it may be too late. he has always been late. always been many steps behind. i use to be angry. Now i am at peace. why is he so late? it doesn't matter because that is life. we all learn one way. i have so much resentment towards him not seeing me. but that may be my problem. my own need to be validated as an emotional being. i want to be loved. i want to feel love. i want to share my feelings of love. trying to erase everything that has happened, i don't think he will ever understand my black box. it may be too complex and i don't have the energy to try. i am too old and impatient to wait. truth is, I am of age. that is another feeling i finally feel. peaceful. i finally understand him. and all of them. it is life's cycle. everyone learns at their own pace. one example that says it all: i like to wallow and bury myself in dark, depressing, music that plucks away my emotions. he likes to listen to hip hop that talks about sex, drugs, money, and the hard life.

when your happy like a fool
let everything take it over
this has gotta be the good life

where......i want this....good good life....one republic

i feel 30% of it right now.

if id as depressed, i wldn't be like this but i know it....

good good life


dream

house, ricardo, see steph, pitch black, house starts moving....like soil is loosening...

free fall......pitch black

freeeeeee fall......stomach falling out with fear

all i can think about is my family, where is my family?~! i will never see them again

even when the house stopped...i felt like i couldn't breathe....where is my family?!

revival!

revival! - definition is exilihrating!

ok...i was almost going to talk about being in control but lets not talk about that.

let's talk about content, road to happiness, what is that...people don't really know what that is.

they say they know what they want as to happiness but they don't know

i don't even know if i know.

i love my life and also hate it. i want to live one day and die another

so lets go over what revival is. it is a new start. a new motivation. a new breather of fresh air. what does that mean to everyone is different.

it means forgiving, it means smiling, it means hope...not hope in situation, but hope in your life that you can live on....do people understand that?

shit they don't. you know why, because everyone is fuckin selfish!

i want to be free of clouds, muster, tornados

i have too much love to give.

mark today...march 25th....26th midnight.

i am still very much in love with tyler. meaning, i want to be with him. if i want to choose, it would be him still.....but not for long....that's all.

i can look back and he can be dust but right now, damn it, its him

ADELE - TAke It All fir tyler

i like the sound, waves, subtleness

i don't want to be alone but i like the though to flying

i will not kill myself

i want to but can't, it will devastate my family

but i can live in a dream of that no?

dream of this sound......say hi to forever,...just listen...it is so influencial

i am fine,

no death

the children spinning..innocent

don't we all want to go back to that place

spinning

i love this feeling

but not long

i read daul kim's blog

unhappy...why? fame? suffocation of life? everything

i started late. i have value, family values, not to be broken

i started when i was an adult////

i want to die

i would love to be non existent

not for love, acception, or importance

pain of emptiness. daul empty. everyone empty. more than others but loneliness.

i don't know where that spark is inside me....

i thought i did, thought i recovered...but no...

i am tired...my spark, my love, my care for human beings....i feel is dying

i wish my family the best..i love them more than anything. i would do anything for them

as well as my friends....because they protect me.

i ran...i raaan.....boy... thank god paul was there

he is no longer in my life....

depressed, no

i know i am passed that life

i am aware of the symptoms..i know the aftermath, i know the scars

facing it is another story

i'm sorry tyler

i can say i just want to be loved but i guess that is the symptoms talking

i want happinss but what is that

i love nothing

so love everything

i can't convey my message but

love, kindness, care

me

i will not do...

people know...

i am sorry

i mean no harm.

i don't know how to cure myself from this disease...

which is why i would like to relive myself from this world.

i look for answers from my partners...

i attach myself

i need things

it is me

i recognize it

i need help or else i don't want to live

i want to scream and kill someone with a knife.

i want to run into a wall with all of my anger and frustration and be done with it...

yet it still sits....

i want what my sisters have but i don't know if i can do it

healing

therapists
energy recharge....

maybe...

who knows.

i am sorry Tyler

I'm sorry

so sorry

time to leave

i'm so glad i googled this

i didnt mean to..i love you

i love you because you make me sane, you make me cut to simpleness

im sorry for the hurt and pain

i'm sorry....for being selfish

i am sorry

you didnt know

sorry

I'm goin in for the kill
I'm doin it for the thrill
I'm hopin you'd understand

what is the purpose of cantelope

I don't know...

boredom

boredom scares me.

having nothing to do..

or having no one to do things with...talk to....

loneliness

sit still, sober....lonely

alcohol, ciggys, other things....not lonely, things that distract me

source....silence...still...empty

when i feel...no i always have felt....BLANK

the times i feel ok BLANK...i knew there was someone there....

now...BLANK...blank...BLANK...

feelings

what i need to accept:

when he is tired - stay away, steer clear, give him what he wants

when his days are off, do not sit in his 'seat'

when you are out with him, he can play with his phone for most of the time, it's like a child eating ice cream, once he has it, he won't share

sex? - that vocabulary, idea, thought, wish, does not exist in the relationship.

he does not want to be in a relationship. his capacity is 'roommate'

does he love me? - he doesn't know what that is. he only knows motherly, friendship love. intimate, passionate, commitment love is foreign and nonexistent at this time.

what to do?...nothing

you cannot change a person.
whether he is 20, 30, 40, he will always be the way he is

he doesn't ask questions. he doesn't want to be asked questions.

he doesn't want to talk because he does not want to face problems. He doesn't know how to handle the emotions.

being tired, being stressed is not an excuse. everyone is like that.

the life he wants is not the life you want.

everything you do is not bad. it is sweet. it is touching. you need to do it to someone who will appreciate it. Not to him. he does not appreciate it. he does not do things like you. he does not react like you.

everything you do is pointless. irrelevant.

find a peace of mind and accept. you cannot ask anymore questions.

no more questions. no more caring to grow in the relationship.

he is incapable of giving you what you need. he is not a bad person. not on the same level.

it hurts, it sucks, it is heart breaking but you have to come out of it and be selfish.

how do i not want to hope. how do i not wish for smiling. how do i stop?

it is so difficult for me.

feeling unappreciated. feeling unloved. feeling unworthy.

i know he is not right. but im a fighter. it is who i am. i cannot change.

please somebody give me power. give me the strength to be strong and see things clear.

白尾 - bai fei

please remember this everytime.

it is not a sad story, it is not an excuse, it just is. - bai fei.

you are so clear about the relationship but yet you hang on to every cent that's left.

fighter stace, fighter. but sometimes, you need to let go when there is nothing to fight for anymore.

2012

2012...4 days into it..

could of been a princess and a king
could of had a castle want a ring
but no nooooooo

you stole my star
lalalalalala
you stole my star
llalalalalala

pain in my neck, shoulder, nerves, can't explain. it is past the point of unbearable. nobody can hear me......nobody....doctors after doctors after doctors....nobody...

pain..cannot function...i cant think of anything else but pain sometimes..but what do people care..they don't know what i'm talking about

blurrrr my star has been stolen

left shoulder cannot function - eyes blurr

birthday coming soon...

an go through all this pain, take

i would go through this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain

toran - alcoholism
schitsofrenic
i understand
i want love like the love my family gives me
unconditional
no blames
care
love
i cant die because they will not survive

my family, is my energy

i am pieces and they put it back together the best they can

i don't want to live

i don't want to feel

because it hurts, it is painful

but my family, the joy, the happiness, the love...to hard to part

so do i live for them yes...

do i want that from my partner, yes

i know pain, i know dark, i know humiliation, i know anger, i know end of the road

i want to see light. someone to show me.

i don't need a saint. just the feeling. home, love, because i want to suffocate half the time but i can't, i'm scared because i care too much about my family.

i would love to leave

but i want to see smiles before i leave

ppl died in 9/11

take a bullet. through my brain

breathe

i want to create a phenomenon

whoever it is with, i want to make a difference


i want to put smiles on faces...impact

i could have

always something inside me stops

i can be but something

i am too scared

more scared to live than die

i can be....but don't want to be because i will become something i hate

but when i am not, i yearn

like men

i would like to disappear and let go

somewhere remote....another land...with cartoon characters. with bubby, olad, wall e

im sorry. you have loved me but i have note loved.

trying to let go...trying to be greatful...but disaster.

i would like to entertain the question of belonging. a sense, feeling, physical belonging.

isnt that what everyone is looking for. to belong. know that at the end of the road, u belong.

denial, rejection, feeling of acid....tearing u apart...piece by piece....

loosing love is like organ damage..its like damage

id like to write you something i have never written anyone.
id like to not be on this planet.
why? because the spirit being free has been taken away from me a long time ago
the search for it has been long and hard. i have tried...stressed every opportunities...but still hit a wall.
i have found someone who has filled the gaps but don't know if it is in time

i am sorry i am who i am. i am where i am. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for you where you are at with relationships.

i love my family because they are safe to me. you are safe to me. the one person in my life i feel safe...but timing is so off.

im so sorry

i understand her...

i want to be with my sisters and parents...safe setting forever....because that was how i was before everything fell apart

i need to feel protected at all times....what happened to me....i disappeared....i revived because of my family. because they gave me hope...

men do not do that. he has shattered all trust and emotional connection.

love is my organ. it has been in failure for a long time.

i am not a perfect person. nor do i want to be. i just want to be someone that can make a difference in someone's heart. because my friends and family has healed me and brought me back to life by being in my heart. they are my machine, my foundation. my story, my base, my energy, my love, my life....

which is why i wonder why i am still living. i do not live for me...i live for people that love me.

i live to see smiles because i dont have it. i give love, give energy to love because i can't do it.

being in an abusive relationship is something that is sacred. no one knows. crazy. insane, poison, quick sand, torture, and deteriorating

when i saw my mom's eyes...when she saw him...i wanted to kill myself...the pain...my sisters protection...it was too much..

the detail in court..his face....i am no longer my mother's child. i am an anomaly to my world. i am watching over while i gather my blood, cells, organs, bones, and become somewhat human again.

i am tired. tired of fighting, improving, contemplating, worrying, maniac,

i do not wish to hurt you. there is something in me that i want and wanted to change for years...but its been day by day, step by step but grueling, loneliness, silent.

i think this might be too much for you.