the core

wow, my last post was 2015, 4 years ago. So much has changed. I realized I am so scared, my identity seems to have been stripted away little by little, inch by inch. As I was writing to my sister this morning, the last decade and a half, my life was modeling. whether I liked it or not, it was it. it was my bread and butter. It was my life. It was my freedom. It was my escape. Coronavirus has stripped all of that away from me. 2 weeks ago when I got back to Manhattan from 2 weeks of traveling, I thought to myself finally, I can get back to my normal routine. I was away in Feb in LA to see my dad, only to learn he was staying longer due to the virus. We had finally found some semblence of normalcy. We had agreed to stay in NYC for another year. I opened a new door to meditation and spirituality. This was going to be my focus. and day by day, the uncertainty grew like an unknown tumor until what we were faced with everything shutting down....economy slowly stopping, no one every would think it will happen to them but it happened to me. This morning. I realized it wasn't my husband or his company I was losing. I was losing myself. I was losing my identity. I was losing my life. The life I so cherished and pranced around about. It is gone. Indefinitely. Can I just mourn this? I didn't think I was the one mourning. I never thought I would be the one losing my shit. But I am. Al my plans of working in europe. All my runaway plans with myself exploring the world when I had a perfect world at home. the last week I've been so positive, telling everyone I was great, meditating, working on myself. Utilizing this time to do me. But it may have been a form of denial. Being a stay at home wife for a 2 weeks was wonderful but the truth always comes out. I wasn't cut out to do this. I kept saying this is the universe telling us what we need to do. What is the universe telling me to do??? switch identity? But did the universe want to tell me how to transition? Thank you to my sister for throwing this realization to me.