i want to create a phenomenon

whoever it is with, i want to make a difference


i want to put smiles on faces...impact

i could have

always something inside me stops

i can be but something

i am too scared

more scared to live than die

i can be....but don't want to be because i will become something i hate

but when i am not, i yearn

like men

i would like to disappear and let go

somewhere remote....another land...with cartoon characters. with bubby, olad, wall e

im sorry. you have loved me but i have note loved.

trying to let go...trying to be greatful...but disaster.

i would like to entertain the question of belonging. a sense, feeling, physical belonging.

isnt that what everyone is looking for. to belong. know that at the end of the road, u belong.

denial, rejection, feeling of acid....tearing u apart...piece by piece....

loosing love is like organ damage..its like damage

id like to write you something i have never written anyone.
id like to not be on this planet.
why? because the spirit being free has been taken away from me a long time ago
the search for it has been long and hard. i have tried...stressed every opportunities...but still hit a wall.
i have found someone who has filled the gaps but don't know if it is in time

i am sorry i am who i am. i am where i am. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for you where you are at with relationships.

i love my family because they are safe to me. you are safe to me. the one person in my life i feel safe...but timing is so off.

im so sorry

i understand her...

i want to be with my sisters and parents...safe setting forever....because that was how i was before everything fell apart

i need to feel protected at all times....what happened to me....i disappeared....i revived because of my family. because they gave me hope...

men do not do that. he has shattered all trust and emotional connection.

love is my organ. it has been in failure for a long time.

i am not a perfect person. nor do i want to be. i just want to be someone that can make a difference in someone's heart. because my friends and family has healed me and brought me back to life by being in my heart. they are my machine, my foundation. my story, my base, my energy, my love, my life....

which is why i wonder why i am still living. i do not live for me...i live for people that love me.

i live to see smiles because i dont have it. i give love, give energy to love because i can't do it.

being in an abusive relationship is something that is sacred. no one knows. crazy. insane, poison, quick sand, torture, and deteriorating

when i saw my mom's eyes...when she saw him...i wanted to kill myself...the pain...my sisters protection...it was too much..

the detail in court..his face....i am no longer my mother's child. i am an anomaly to my world. i am watching over while i gather my blood, cells, organs, bones, and become somewhat human again.

i am tired. tired of fighting, improving, contemplating, worrying, maniac,

i do not wish to hurt you. there is something in me that i want and wanted to change for years...but its been day by day, step by step but grueling, loneliness, silent.

i think this might be too much for you.