yearning

GOD DAMN i iss traveling. i miss europe. I miss paris. I miss london. I miss my god damn sense of freedom of not giving a fuck and just going. my bose headphones is forcing me to reminisce the past and fall in love with is all over again. I forgot I had so much hope, dreams, plans, semi committments but shit, not anymore. During Covid quarantine, it's as if I erased all of that. God I miss him though. I miss the race, the chase, the smiles, the fuckin looks. ALONE that makes me miss ...... but miss what? a snippet of something that was 'FUN'? The flitry days? I mean, I love my marriage. I love my husband. But god dan, these bose headhpones.......what you do to me is like posion. I wsa exploring europe. I was exploring the possibilities. I was going. I was GOING. I was invincible. But....The universe had other plans. But sitting here I am ALLOWERD to love that. TO FEEL THAT. TO WANT THAT. No? I can't do it with David. Too powerful. David is my kryptonite. I just fall hard.Maybe it's becasuse of my past? He's been there. through it, not literally but in my mind. definitely timelie wise. But M has been just a breath of fresh air. Much needed dose evry now and then. Why can't I have it all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA wtf am I thinking Hanz Zimmer......wtf...that was another connection. WHat is the universe tellling me?I want to love everything. but it's not reality. Can I love everyything else while loving JAN. it's not me. HE won't allow it. roles reversed, I wouldn't allow it