i finally know the feeling. the feeling to know for sure your feeling. not the uncertainty. the feeling you always been waiting for but when it comes you don't want it because its scary. i don't know if i can ever go back to the beginning feelings with him. i don't believe. i don't have faith anymore. we are so many worlds apart. there is no understanding, no dimensions, no space between us. i feel one dimentional. its not that i don't care, i do, deeply for him but it is here. my clarity. i finally know the feeling of owning my feelings. it is exhilerating but at the same time unknown. this feeling is so peaceful like the flowers in the meadow moving from the wind. i think it may be too late. he has always been late. always been many steps behind. i use to be angry. Now i am at peace. why is he so late? it doesn't matter because that is life. we all learn one way. i have so much resentment towards him not seeing me. but that may be my problem. my own need to be validated as an emotional being. i want to be loved. i want to feel love. i want to share my feelings of love. trying to erase everything that has happened, i don't think he will ever understand my black box. it may be too complex and i don't have the energy to try. i am too old and impatient to wait. truth is, I am of age. that is another feeling i finally feel. peaceful. i finally understand him. and all of them. it is life's cycle. everyone learns at their own pace. one example that says it all: i like to wallow and bury myself in dark, depressing, music that plucks away my emotions. he likes to listen to hip hop that talks about sex, drugs, money, and the hard life.