revival!

revival! - definition is exilihrating!

ok...i was almost going to talk about being in control but lets not talk about that.

let's talk about content, road to happiness, what is that...people don't really know what that is.

they say they know what they want as to happiness but they don't know

i don't even know if i know.

i love my life and also hate it. i want to live one day and die another

so lets go over what revival is. it is a new start. a new motivation. a new breather of fresh air. what does that mean to everyone is different.

it means forgiving, it means smiling, it means hope...not hope in situation, but hope in your life that you can live on....do people understand that?

shit they don't. you know why, because everyone is fuckin selfish!

i want to be free of clouds, muster, tornados

i have too much love to give.

mark today...march 25th....26th midnight.

i am still very much in love with tyler. meaning, i want to be with him. if i want to choose, it would be him still.....but not for long....that's all.

i can look back and he can be dust but right now, damn it, its him

ADELE - TAke It All fir tyler

i like the sound, waves, subtleness

i don't want to be alone but i like the though to flying

i will not kill myself

i want to but can't, it will devastate my family

but i can live in a dream of that no?

dream of this sound......say hi to forever,...just listen...it is so influencial

i am fine,

no death

the children spinning..innocent

don't we all want to go back to that place

spinning

i love this feeling

but not long

i read daul kim's blog

unhappy...why? fame? suffocation of life? everything

i started late. i have value, family values, not to be broken

i started when i was an adult////

i want to die

i would love to be non existent

not for love, acception, or importance

pain of emptiness. daul empty. everyone empty. more than others but loneliness.

i don't know where that spark is inside me....

i thought i did, thought i recovered...but no...

i am tired...my spark, my love, my care for human beings....i feel is dying

i wish my family the best..i love them more than anything. i would do anything for them

as well as my friends....because they protect me.

i ran...i raaan.....boy... thank god paul was there

he is no longer in my life....

depressed, no

i know i am passed that life

i am aware of the symptoms..i know the aftermath, i know the scars

facing it is another story

i'm sorry tyler

i can say i just want to be loved but i guess that is the symptoms talking

i want happinss but what is that

i love nothing

so love everything

i can't convey my message but

love, kindness, care

me

i will not do...

people know...

i am sorry

i mean no harm.

i don't know how to cure myself from this disease...

which is why i would like to relive myself from this world.

i look for answers from my partners...

i attach myself

i need things

it is me

i recognize it

i need help or else i don't want to live

i want to scream and kill someone with a knife.

i want to run into a wall with all of my anger and frustration and be done with it...

yet it still sits....

i want what my sisters have but i don't know if i can do it

healing

therapists
energy recharge....

maybe...

who knows.

i am sorry Tyler

I'm sorry

so sorry

time to leave

i'm so glad i googled this

i didnt mean to..i love you

i love you because you make me sane, you make me cut to simpleness

im sorry for the hurt and pain

i'm sorry....for being selfish

i am sorry

you didnt know

sorry

I'm goin in for the kill
I'm doin it for the thrill
I'm hopin you'd understand

what is the purpose of cantelope

I don't know...

boredom

boredom scares me.

having nothing to do..

or having no one to do things with...talk to....

loneliness

sit still, sober....lonely

alcohol, ciggys, other things....not lonely, things that distract me

source....silence...still...empty

when i feel...no i always have felt....BLANK

the times i feel ok BLANK...i knew there was someone there....

now...BLANK...blank...BLANK...

feelings

what i need to accept:

when he is tired - stay away, steer clear, give him what he wants

when his days are off, do not sit in his 'seat'

when you are out with him, he can play with his phone for most of the time, it's like a child eating ice cream, once he has it, he won't share

sex? - that vocabulary, idea, thought, wish, does not exist in the relationship.

he does not want to be in a relationship. his capacity is 'roommate'

does he love me? - he doesn't know what that is. he only knows motherly, friendship love. intimate, passionate, commitment love is foreign and nonexistent at this time.

what to do?...nothing

you cannot change a person.
whether he is 20, 30, 40, he will always be the way he is

he doesn't ask questions. he doesn't want to be asked questions.

he doesn't want to talk because he does not want to face problems. He doesn't know how to handle the emotions.

being tired, being stressed is not an excuse. everyone is like that.

the life he wants is not the life you want.

everything you do is not bad. it is sweet. it is touching. you need to do it to someone who will appreciate it. Not to him. he does not appreciate it. he does not do things like you. he does not react like you.

everything you do is pointless. irrelevant.

find a peace of mind and accept. you cannot ask anymore questions.

no more questions. no more caring to grow in the relationship.

he is incapable of giving you what you need. he is not a bad person. not on the same level.

it hurts, it sucks, it is heart breaking but you have to come out of it and be selfish.

how do i not want to hope. how do i not wish for smiling. how do i stop?

it is so difficult for me.

feeling unappreciated. feeling unloved. feeling unworthy.

i know he is not right. but im a fighter. it is who i am. i cannot change.

please somebody give me power. give me the strength to be strong and see things clear.

白尾 - bai fei

please remember this everytime.

it is not a sad story, it is not an excuse, it just is. - bai fei.

you are so clear about the relationship but yet you hang on to every cent that's left.

fighter stace, fighter. but sometimes, you need to let go when there is nothing to fight for anymore.

2012

2012...4 days into it..

could of been a princess and a king
could of had a castle want a ring
but no nooooooo

you stole my star
lalalalalala
you stole my star
llalalalalala

pain in my neck, shoulder, nerves, can't explain. it is past the point of unbearable. nobody can hear me......nobody....doctors after doctors after doctors....nobody...

pain..cannot function...i cant think of anything else but pain sometimes..but what do people care..they don't know what i'm talking about

blurrrr my star has been stolen

left shoulder cannot function - eyes blurr

birthday coming soon...

an go through all this pain, take

i would go through this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain

toran - alcoholism
schitsofrenic
i understand
i want love like the love my family gives me
unconditional
no blames
care
love
i cant die because they will not survive

my family, is my energy

i am pieces and they put it back together the best they can

i don't want to live

i don't want to feel

because it hurts, it is painful

but my family, the joy, the happiness, the love...to hard to part

so do i live for them yes...

do i want that from my partner, yes

i know pain, i know dark, i know humiliation, i know anger, i know end of the road

i want to see light. someone to show me.

i don't need a saint. just the feeling. home, love, because i want to suffocate half the time but i can't, i'm scared because i care too much about my family.

i would love to leave

but i want to see smiles before i leave

ppl died in 9/11

take a bullet. through my brain

breathe

i want to create a phenomenon

whoever it is with, i want to make a difference


i want to put smiles on faces...impact

i could have

always something inside me stops

i can be but something

i am too scared

more scared to live than die

i can be....but don't want to be because i will become something i hate

but when i am not, i yearn

like men

i would like to disappear and let go

somewhere remote....another land...with cartoon characters. with bubby, olad, wall e

im sorry. you have loved me but i have note loved.

trying to let go...trying to be greatful...but disaster.

i would like to entertain the question of belonging. a sense, feeling, physical belonging.

isnt that what everyone is looking for. to belong. know that at the end of the road, u belong.

denial, rejection, feeling of acid....tearing u apart...piece by piece....

loosing love is like organ damage..its like damage

id like to write you something i have never written anyone.
id like to not be on this planet.
why? because the spirit being free has been taken away from me a long time ago
the search for it has been long and hard. i have tried...stressed every opportunities...but still hit a wall.
i have found someone who has filled the gaps but don't know if it is in time

i am sorry i am who i am. i am where i am. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for you where you are at with relationships.

i love my family because they are safe to me. you are safe to me. the one person in my life i feel safe...but timing is so off.

im so sorry

i understand her...

i want to be with my sisters and parents...safe setting forever....because that was how i was before everything fell apart

i need to feel protected at all times....what happened to me....i disappeared....i revived because of my family. because they gave me hope...

men do not do that. he has shattered all trust and emotional connection.

love is my organ. it has been in failure for a long time.

i am not a perfect person. nor do i want to be. i just want to be someone that can make a difference in someone's heart. because my friends and family has healed me and brought me back to life by being in my heart. they are my machine, my foundation. my story, my base, my energy, my love, my life....

which is why i wonder why i am still living. i do not live for me...i live for people that love me.

i live to see smiles because i dont have it. i give love, give energy to love because i can't do it.

being in an abusive relationship is something that is sacred. no one knows. crazy. insane, poison, quick sand, torture, and deteriorating

when i saw my mom's eyes...when she saw him...i wanted to kill myself...the pain...my sisters protection...it was too much..

the detail in court..his face....i am no longer my mother's child. i am an anomaly to my world. i am watching over while i gather my blood, cells, organs, bones, and become somewhat human again.

i am tired. tired of fighting, improving, contemplating, worrying, maniac,

i do not wish to hurt you. there is something in me that i want and wanted to change for years...but its been day by day, step by step but grueling, loneliness, silent.

i think this might be too much for you.

mind

There’s a reason I said I would be happier alone
It wasn’t cuz I thought id be happy alone
It was because if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it

Its easier to be alone
Because what if you learn that you need love…and then you don’t have it
What if you like it…and lean on it
What if you shape your life around it…
And then it falls apart…can you even survive that kind of pain
Loosing love is like organ damage… its like dying…
The only difference is death ends….this…it can go on forever

i love you, i
i cant see anything..going back to one.

moments..that is all you get

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

guitar - the scientist....singing
looking at me...

driftwood - watching TV - coldplay was on...

always in my heart....love

watching TV in the TV room.....came in with his computer....working...wanted to be close..

watching TV....he looked at me....that look...never forget...it hurts, powerful, the love, i had no idea what that was...until then. i felt i could have nothing else in the world...that feeling was more than love, more than anything i felt

my first love, my first partner, my first want, my first breathe of fresh air.

first time i felt i can open and feel completely safe. 7 years of pain was washed away...

had our differences, but the love, the emotions, the emptiness, pain, disappeared.

intacy

i like to be this way on my own. to think in peace, collect deep thoughts. thoughts...memories sink in, fill every part of me...i love him, he is wonderful. he may not be the knight in shining armour but he lets me live my thoughts, lets me be. tries to understand and thats all that counts.

i'm in another world

he listens

maybe cuz i'm ....

but feeling comfortable

i can feel with him....starting to

he i true

im a difficult person

i need to release

i hate my hands

quetions.... where do we go?

i think ab

i like being liike this because expresses things,

two separate lives, wants needs

i want to release.....

from this world...

please listen to me because as a human being, i do not know how to handle it

i love way out west mind circus because reminds me of my best friends.....

i love eunice....

i hate myself

i don't know what i want...help....who> where?

take me away....

love

i love everyone

kids, dogs, stuffed animals, aquaintances

laughing at things

falling

will

i love you
you are great
you are amazing
you're heart is inside you
i found it but couldn't keep it
i didnt have the strength
i wanted to but i failed
i was tired and collapsed
i wanted to help
i believe in you
i love you


tyler
might be the one

i want to cry forever
i want to feel everything, through my veins, beat of my heart, every living soul in me
i want to explode

i hate myself
i want to feel again
i want to scream
i hate him
i hate myself
im trying

i want to give up
i want to be in the skies, fluffy, light

unfair

the stone wont go away
colors change
but wont leave

i want to scream
someone help me
fly me away

ive fallen in love and don't know what to do
piece of me has been dilluted
why does is hurt to love

nobody
steel
chilled shivers

i hate him
i hate him
haunting me
nothing. please go away

i want to love again
i want to feel
i want to smile

i would like to leave momentarily
just for a few moments
fly me to somewhere where there are crates
silent holes that nobody fills

today for the first time as an adult, i felt love
i wanted to feel love
i wanted to feel free
i wanted to feel
i wanted to cry because i felt something i never thought i would feel
he fills something
but i want to die
i don't want him to know this part of me

i like him
i hate myself
i want him the best
i hate him, i hate everything
i hate myself
but i want to leave everything good
i want to make a difference and disappear
i want people to love and smile like i never will
because it makes me happy
it makes me cry
it make me complete
because nobody should go through this
all i want to give is love
so that no one will feel like me
my family, my friend, my loved ones

i'm so sorry
sorry i make people cry
sad
upset

what do i know

i don't like this planet
but too many people i love to give love before i die

peace
horror
i know
i know everything
please take this away from me
i leave everything to my loved ones. i love my mom, my sisters, my dad, arlene, renee, ricardo, daniel, daniel, axle, will, paul, delilah,

daniel because i can be me
u love me
so does tyler

i want to leave for a moment
just for a moment

i understand
i cant say anything to anyone
nobody i can think of

i think i'm silly
i want to disappear

want to go home and lie in my mom's bed and cry
just cry and then disappear
i want to be with my loved ones but not be present
i want to give them everything i have but not have it in return
i want them to feel love
feel warmth
feel complete
i want to feel that but alone
i don't want people to feel me
because i hate myself

i like big dogs
i like laying with people
i love children because they feel pure joy
i love pure, surreal, waterfall, cotton clouds
i love the feeling of smiles

i was brought up well
otherwise i would not be here
i am responsible
i am sinshine
i would like to be carebears

kids running
freedom to react without judgment
i hate being beautiful
i love it but not for the right reason
i love it when kids smile at me
they know
only they know
because they are pure

i don't like feathers

i feel the reason for alternative world

and fallin

say bye bye

i like noodles. soup noodles. why cant ppl understand my passion for soup noodles?

i hate modeling
i hate fake ppl
i am real

i like myself
but i have drowned

i want to fly

heart of gold

never find it

endearing
feeling of importance,
him thinking about me
i can give him the world as long as I feel loved and thought of

that's all i want
in your voice, in your words, in your actions.

As long as I know and feel that he loves me and thinks the world of me
everything else is irrelevant

as long as I feel i am one of the most important parts to his life, I'm happy.

there is something going on with my body. i feel as if i'm in a haze all day yesterday. haven't been sleeping. tossing and turning, waking up a couple times in the middle of the night. feel sluggish. even if it is that time of month, i never felt so weak. i work out. but my injuries are coming back....i'm so miserable.

super bad mood. trying not to eat anything unhealthy. its driving me insane. I don't feel well. food is not digesting. feel like throwing up. I feel the food stuck in my pipes. fuck. feel like a haze. horrible sleep last night. soreness of my shoulder and hips are so painful i can cry. what the fuck. i feel like collapsing thinking to wake up and everything will be ok.

i like the lounge here. it reminds me of school. i don't know why but i love libraries. they make me happy. like maps. like walking around new york city by myself, enjoying every detail of the madness the surrounds you when you get a cup of coffee.

i'm insane. so is everyone i know so does that make me normal. why do i feel so bad? it's not my fault. no it is. yes it is. no it is. fuck

buying time. fuckin insane. why is it so expensive. what ever happened to the days when time was nothing. you can have 2 layovers and it was nothing. you were just a kid who was happy eating chips and not caring about being fat!

film - emmy - what is this all about?

8.29.10
lets all be good together

mindblowing

next morning: forgot about the blog...