i want to create a phenomenon

whoever it is with, i want to make a difference


i want to put smiles on faces...impact

i could have

always something inside me stops

i can be but something

i am too scared

more scared to live than die

i can be....but don't want to be because i will become something i hate

but when i am not, i yearn

like men

i would like to disappear and let go

somewhere remote....another land...with cartoon characters. with bubby, olad, wall e

im sorry. you have loved me but i have note loved.

trying to let go...trying to be greatful...but disaster.

i would like to entertain the question of belonging. a sense, feeling, physical belonging.

isnt that what everyone is looking for. to belong. know that at the end of the road, u belong.

denial, rejection, feeling of acid....tearing u apart...piece by piece....

loosing love is like organ damage..its like damage

id like to write you something i have never written anyone.
id like to not be on this planet.
why? because the spirit being free has been taken away from me a long time ago
the search for it has been long and hard. i have tried...stressed every opportunities...but still hit a wall.
i have found someone who has filled the gaps but don't know if it is in time

i am sorry i am who i am. i am where i am. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for me to explain. it is hard for you where you are at with relationships.

i love my family because they are safe to me. you are safe to me. the one person in my life i feel safe...but timing is so off.

im so sorry

i understand her...

i want to be with my sisters and parents...safe setting forever....because that was how i was before everything fell apart

i need to feel protected at all times....what happened to me....i disappeared....i revived because of my family. because they gave me hope...

men do not do that. he has shattered all trust and emotional connection.

love is my organ. it has been in failure for a long time.

i am not a perfect person. nor do i want to be. i just want to be someone that can make a difference in someone's heart. because my friends and family has healed me and brought me back to life by being in my heart. they are my machine, my foundation. my story, my base, my energy, my love, my life....

which is why i wonder why i am still living. i do not live for me...i live for people that love me.

i live to see smiles because i dont have it. i give love, give energy to love because i can't do it.

being in an abusive relationship is something that is sacred. no one knows. crazy. insane, poison, quick sand, torture, and deteriorating

when i saw my mom's eyes...when she saw him...i wanted to kill myself...the pain...my sisters protection...it was too much..

the detail in court..his face....i am no longer my mother's child. i am an anomaly to my world. i am watching over while i gather my blood, cells, organs, bones, and become somewhat human again.

i am tired. tired of fighting, improving, contemplating, worrying, maniac,

i do not wish to hurt you. there is something in me that i want and wanted to change for years...but its been day by day, step by step but grueling, loneliness, silent.

i think this might be too much for you.

mind

There’s a reason I said I would be happier alone
It wasn’t cuz I thought id be happy alone
It was because if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it

Its easier to be alone
Because what if you learn that you need love…and then you don’t have it
What if you like it…and lean on it
What if you shape your life around it…
And then it falls apart…can you even survive that kind of pain
Loosing love is like organ damage… its like dying…
The only difference is death ends….this…it can go on forever

i love you, i
i cant see anything..going back to one.

moments..that is all you get

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

guitar - the scientist....singing
looking at me...

driftwood - watching TV - coldplay was on...

always in my heart....love

watching TV in the TV room.....came in with his computer....working...wanted to be close..

watching TV....he looked at me....that look...never forget...it hurts, powerful, the love, i had no idea what that was...until then. i felt i could have nothing else in the world...that feeling was more than love, more than anything i felt

my first love, my first partner, my first want, my first breathe of fresh air.

first time i felt i can open and feel completely safe. 7 years of pain was washed away...

had our differences, but the love, the emotions, the emptiness, pain, disappeared.

intacy

i like to be this way on my own. to think in peace, collect deep thoughts. thoughts...memories sink in, fill every part of me...i love him, he is wonderful. he may not be the knight in shining armour but he lets me live my thoughts, lets me be. tries to understand and thats all that counts.

i'm in another world

he listens

maybe cuz i'm ....

but feeling comfortable

i can feel with him....starting to

he i true

im a difficult person

i need to release

i hate my hands

quetions.... where do we go?

i think ab

i like being liike this because expresses things,

two separate lives, wants needs

i want to release.....

from this world...

please listen to me because as a human being, i do not know how to handle it

i love way out west mind circus because reminds me of my best friends.....

i love eunice....

i hate myself

i don't know what i want...help....who> where?

take me away....

love

i love everyone

kids, dogs, stuffed animals, aquaintances

laughing at things

falling

will

i love you
you are great
you are amazing
you're heart is inside you
i found it but couldn't keep it
i didnt have the strength
i wanted to but i failed
i was tired and collapsed
i wanted to help
i believe in you
i love you


tyler
might be the one

i want to cry forever
i want to feel everything, through my veins, beat of my heart, every living soul in me
i want to explode

i hate myself
i want to feel again
i want to scream
i hate him
i hate myself
im trying

i want to give up
i want to be in the skies, fluffy, light

unfair

the stone wont go away
colors change
but wont leave

i want to scream
someone help me
fly me away

ive fallen in love and don't know what to do
piece of me has been dilluted
why does is hurt to love

nobody
steel
chilled shivers

i hate him
i hate him
haunting me
nothing. please go away

i want to love again
i want to feel
i want to smile

i would like to leave momentarily
just for a few moments
fly me to somewhere where there are crates
silent holes that nobody fills

today for the first time as an adult, i felt love
i wanted to feel love
i wanted to feel free
i wanted to feel
i wanted to cry because i felt something i never thought i would feel
he fills something
but i want to die
i don't want him to know this part of me

i like him
i hate myself
i want him the best
i hate him, i hate everything
i hate myself
but i want to leave everything good
i want to make a difference and disappear
i want people to love and smile like i never will
because it makes me happy
it makes me cry
it make me complete
because nobody should go through this
all i want to give is love
so that no one will feel like me
my family, my friend, my loved ones

i'm so sorry
sorry i make people cry
sad
upset

what do i know

i don't like this planet
but too many people i love to give love before i die

peace
horror
i know
i know everything
please take this away from me
i leave everything to my loved ones. i love my mom, my sisters, my dad, arlene, renee, ricardo, daniel, daniel, axle, will, paul, delilah,

daniel because i can be me
u love me
so does tyler

i want to leave for a moment
just for a moment

i understand
i cant say anything to anyone
nobody i can think of

i think i'm silly
i want to disappear

want to go home and lie in my mom's bed and cry
just cry and then disappear
i want to be with my loved ones but not be present
i want to give them everything i have but not have it in return
i want them to feel love
feel warmth
feel complete
i want to feel that but alone
i don't want people to feel me
because i hate myself

i like big dogs
i like laying with people
i love children because they feel pure joy
i love pure, surreal, waterfall, cotton clouds
i love the feeling of smiles

i was brought up well
otherwise i would not be here
i am responsible
i am sinshine
i would like to be carebears

kids running
freedom to react without judgment
i hate being beautiful
i love it but not for the right reason
i love it when kids smile at me
they know
only they know
because they are pure

i don't like feathers

i feel the reason for alternative world

and fallin

say bye bye

i like noodles. soup noodles. why cant ppl understand my passion for soup noodles?

i hate modeling
i hate fake ppl
i am real

i like myself
but i have drowned

i want to fly

heart of gold

never find it

endearing
feeling of importance,
him thinking about me
i can give him the world as long as I feel loved and thought of

that's all i want
in your voice, in your words, in your actions.

As long as I know and feel that he loves me and thinks the world of me
everything else is irrelevant

as long as I feel i am one of the most important parts to his life, I'm happy.

there is something going on with my body. i feel as if i'm in a haze all day yesterday. haven't been sleeping. tossing and turning, waking up a couple times in the middle of the night. feel sluggish. even if it is that time of month, i never felt so weak. i work out. but my injuries are coming back....i'm so miserable.

super bad mood. trying not to eat anything unhealthy. its driving me insane. I don't feel well. food is not digesting. feel like throwing up. I feel the food stuck in my pipes. fuck. feel like a haze. horrible sleep last night. soreness of my shoulder and hips are so painful i can cry. what the fuck. i feel like collapsing thinking to wake up and everything will be ok.

i like the lounge here. it reminds me of school. i don't know why but i love libraries. they make me happy. like maps. like walking around new york city by myself, enjoying every detail of the madness the surrounds you when you get a cup of coffee.

i'm insane. so is everyone i know so does that make me normal. why do i feel so bad? it's not my fault. no it is. yes it is. no it is. fuck

buying time. fuckin insane. why is it so expensive. what ever happened to the days when time was nothing. you can have 2 layovers and it was nothing. you were just a kid who was happy eating chips and not caring about being fat!

film - emmy - what is this all about?

8.29.10
lets all be good together

mindblowing

next morning: forgot about the blog...

hallelujah

how i feel inside

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSJbYWPEaxw&ob=av2e

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

what happened to stopping time? feel the space in between time and experiencing what goes on inside?

For the longest time, i have always wanted to write everything down. so many things to say about things, feelings, people, air, color, outlets, everything tangible and intangible.

my inspiration. my motivation quite not there yet

i have a longing for more inspiration. it is like drugs. so strong and overbearing except is is not poisonous

how come i..

i need a sit up pillow to write in bed. this sucks

what happens when you're fighting with yourself? am I?

wanting something that is not there. wanting it so bad that you realize you don't want it that much.

im tired but i always go back

i don't want to fight

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

4.24

april 24, 2010

i dont' care, i absolutely don't care....

i shun upon it, i have feelings of disgust....

how on earth have i ended up with this person in my life?

Someone with a wrtched sun that looks like a female and acts like one..

How did I end up with this man in my life that believes that the world does not revolve around him but wishes for it badly that acts like it...

i hope this is the last..this is the final time....

I believe and know I am better...that is why i fight. that is why i have so much rage.

i don't want to understand. I don't want to care. because these people on earth, ruin everything for others.

these are the kind of people that make others cry. unhappy, filled with sorrow

i hate him. rude, selfish, insecure everything i hate about a human being is in him.

self righteous, world revolving around him, everything always linked back to him.

he must be so and so like me. they must be great like me, she must be so kind like me. yada yada yada

everything is about him to put himself up on a pedastal. everything in his life he needs to take from it and make his own because he can't make it on his own.

then he has that sap childhood memory he uses as an excuse.

oh and the blaming situation he loves to do on everyone. nothing is every his fault so what he says. inside, he knows he has some part to blame but that ego of his...nothing can stop it because he's still racing with himself for acceptance. never learned how to listen to others. never learned how to take himself out of the game and be present with a good heart.

how dare him say he is a kind person. how dare he walk around telling and proclaiming he is a great person. my gosh. no wonder he is not successful. no wonder he has a retarded son. no wonder melissa is his worst enemy. no wonder he has cheap friends that would never give him a dime if he was the last slave on earth.

it's truly sad i am with this kind of person. i am truly sad.

I am stupid. god get me out...

ocean ken

what happens when you doubt yourself keep thinking about what ifs....fools

i haven't listened to chinese music in a year....ever since moving back, i haven't touched it...while driving to the ocean, I was in a blur. i wanted something to save me. i wanted to feel the connection to something. i wanted to have something tell me or give me the ok that things are ok. i needed some security. i listened to chang zhen yue's latest album (came out abt 3 years ago). i miss him. memories...it waas like tears and over anxiety like you were waiting for test results.

i remember driving up the coast of tpe. just him, me. music, and the ocean view and feeling so clean. not free because we both had so many worries in our life so much bs and drama. i remember listening to this album, letting the music take over....just feeling life. all the sadness and misery in one car with the ocean. he felt free as well with me. it wasn't like an infatuation but understanding that we have each other and it was enough in that moment.

i miss this. i miss listening to chinese music and feeling sad. completely feeling sad. the language is so beautiful. not like english where things are just blah....what have i done.....should i have stayed? always a question with me.

i want to call him....but too early.