when your happy like a fool
let everything take it over
this has gotta be the good life

where......i want this....good good life....one republic

i feel 30% of it right now.

if id as depressed, i wldn't be like this but i know it....

good good life


dream

house, ricardo, see steph, pitch black, house starts moving....like soil is loosening...

free fall......pitch black

freeeeeee fall......stomach falling out with fear

all i can think about is my family, where is my family?~! i will never see them again

even when the house stopped...i felt like i couldn't breathe....where is my family?!

revival!

revival! - definition is exilihrating!

ok...i was almost going to talk about being in control but lets not talk about that.

let's talk about content, road to happiness, what is that...people don't really know what that is.

they say they know what they want as to happiness but they don't know

i don't even know if i know.

i love my life and also hate it. i want to live one day and die another

so lets go over what revival is. it is a new start. a new motivation. a new breather of fresh air. what does that mean to everyone is different.

it means forgiving, it means smiling, it means hope...not hope in situation, but hope in your life that you can live on....do people understand that?

shit they don't. you know why, because everyone is fuckin selfish!

i want to be free of clouds, muster, tornados

i have too much love to give.

mark today...march 25th....26th midnight.

i am still very much in love with tyler. meaning, i want to be with him. if i want to choose, it would be him still.....but not for long....that's all.

i can look back and he can be dust but right now, damn it, its him

ADELE - TAke It All fir tyler

i like the sound, waves, subtleness

i don't want to be alone but i like the though to flying

i will not kill myself

i want to but can't, it will devastate my family

but i can live in a dream of that no?

dream of this sound......say hi to forever,...just listen...it is so influencial

i am fine,

no death

the children spinning..innocent

don't we all want to go back to that place

spinning

i love this feeling

but not long

i read daul kim's blog

unhappy...why? fame? suffocation of life? everything

i started late. i have value, family values, not to be broken

i started when i was an adult////

i want to die

i would love to be non existent

not for love, acception, or importance

pain of emptiness. daul empty. everyone empty. more than others but loneliness.

i don't know where that spark is inside me....

i thought i did, thought i recovered...but no...

i am tired...my spark, my love, my care for human beings....i feel is dying

i wish my family the best..i love them more than anything. i would do anything for them

as well as my friends....because they protect me.

i ran...i raaan.....boy... thank god paul was there

he is no longer in my life....

depressed, no

i know i am passed that life

i am aware of the symptoms..i know the aftermath, i know the scars

facing it is another story

i'm sorry tyler

i can say i just want to be loved but i guess that is the symptoms talking

i want happinss but what is that

i love nothing

so love everything

i can't convey my message but

love, kindness, care

me

i will not do...

people know...

i am sorry

i mean no harm.

i don't know how to cure myself from this disease...

which is why i would like to relive myself from this world.

i look for answers from my partners...

i attach myself

i need things

it is me

i recognize it

i need help or else i don't want to live

i want to scream and kill someone with a knife.

i want to run into a wall with all of my anger and frustration and be done with it...

yet it still sits....

i want what my sisters have but i don't know if i can do it

healing

therapists
energy recharge....

maybe...

who knows.

i am sorry Tyler

I'm sorry

so sorry

time to leave

i'm so glad i googled this

i didnt mean to..i love you

i love you because you make me sane, you make me cut to simpleness

im sorry for the hurt and pain

i'm sorry....for being selfish

i am sorry

you didnt know

sorry

I'm goin in for the kill
I'm doin it for the thrill
I'm hopin you'd understand

what is the purpose of cantelope

I don't know...

boredom

boredom scares me.

having nothing to do..

or having no one to do things with...talk to....

loneliness

sit still, sober....lonely

alcohol, ciggys, other things....not lonely, things that distract me

source....silence...still...empty

when i feel...no i always have felt....BLANK

the times i feel ok BLANK...i knew there was someone there....

now...BLANK...blank...BLANK...

feelings

what i need to accept:

when he is tired - stay away, steer clear, give him what he wants

when his days are off, do not sit in his 'seat'

when you are out with him, he can play with his phone for most of the time, it's like a child eating ice cream, once he has it, he won't share

sex? - that vocabulary, idea, thought, wish, does not exist in the relationship.

he does not want to be in a relationship. his capacity is 'roommate'

does he love me? - he doesn't know what that is. he only knows motherly, friendship love. intimate, passionate, commitment love is foreign and nonexistent at this time.

what to do?...nothing

you cannot change a person.
whether he is 20, 30, 40, he will always be the way he is

he doesn't ask questions. he doesn't want to be asked questions.

he doesn't want to talk because he does not want to face problems. He doesn't know how to handle the emotions.

being tired, being stressed is not an excuse. everyone is like that.

the life he wants is not the life you want.

everything you do is not bad. it is sweet. it is touching. you need to do it to someone who will appreciate it. Not to him. he does not appreciate it. he does not do things like you. he does not react like you.

everything you do is pointless. irrelevant.

find a peace of mind and accept. you cannot ask anymore questions.

no more questions. no more caring to grow in the relationship.

he is incapable of giving you what you need. he is not a bad person. not on the same level.

it hurts, it sucks, it is heart breaking but you have to come out of it and be selfish.

how do i not want to hope. how do i not wish for smiling. how do i stop?

it is so difficult for me.

feeling unappreciated. feeling unloved. feeling unworthy.

i know he is not right. but im a fighter. it is who i am. i cannot change.

please somebody give me power. give me the strength to be strong and see things clear.

白尾 - bai fei

please remember this everytime.

it is not a sad story, it is not an excuse, it just is. - bai fei.

you are so clear about the relationship but yet you hang on to every cent that's left.

fighter stace, fighter. but sometimes, you need to let go when there is nothing to fight for anymore.

2012

2012...4 days into it..

could of been a princess and a king
could of had a castle want a ring
but no nooooooo

you stole my star
lalalalalala
you stole my star
llalalalalala

pain in my neck, shoulder, nerves, can't explain. it is past the point of unbearable. nobody can hear me......nobody....doctors after doctors after doctors....nobody...

pain..cannot function...i cant think of anything else but pain sometimes..but what do people care..they don't know what i'm talking about

blurrrr my star has been stolen

left shoulder cannot function - eyes blurr

birthday coming soon...