i just want to be loves. i want to feel love. i want to feel wanted at all times. i want, i need, i crave the feeling of being wanted and loved and craved. i want to love, passionately love, need, caress, touch, someone. i don't want to battle for love and intamacy. the feeling of intimacy is so fuckin hard. i want it. i feel sometimes i want to burst because i have a deficit of that feeling. i don't even know how to fuck describe it. It's just fuckin loving someone to the fullest! god damn it why is it so hard. why is it so hard to ask for that.?I want to be cared for, i want someone to always have me on their mind. I want the feeling of both feeling the same passionate way. I have been trying all my life to crave that feeling. attention from my significant other. i don't give a fuck if its from my past. I'm over it. I'm over my god damn abusive relationship. I am over. it. I was fonw when the 7 year mark hit. I was fuckin odone. i just want to feel it. i don't care about the material bullshit. I just want to feel it. I yearn, crave, need it. i just want to feel like I am always wanted at all times. because i do the same for my partner

fourth of july. i don't care about the US. i should but i don't. US holidays are for my family to get together and have an excuse to splurge on food and just hang out. me being the cleaner and caretaker, my sisters being the cooks and authority of 'things', brother in laws just hanging, mom as safety. i am scared of this feeling. of drifting away from him. but the nervousness and anxiety that i had once have now disappeared. is this the feeling of almost exiting to another world? is this how it is suppose to feel when things are over? i only remembered when tyler moved out, I was a wreck. I didn't feel so bad about josh because i started dating. will i didn't feel bad because he was just a straight up dick. daniel i felt guilty. i knew it was ending but he wouldn't let it go. Paul was inevitable. I tried so hard in taipei but he was clueless, much like my current one. david was somewhere in between in HK. i don't want to go back to the others. i'm tired. long day taking care of household needs. i want to try to make sure my sisters are comfortable as they already have tired lives. less time to themselves. the more i stay here in LA, the more I am at peace.

when your happy like a fool
let everything take it over
this has gotta be the good life

where......i want this....good good life....one republic

i feel 30% of it right now.

if id as depressed, i wldn't be like this but i know it....

good good life


dream

house, ricardo, see steph, pitch black, house starts moving....like soil is loosening...

free fall......pitch black

freeeeeee fall......stomach falling out with fear

all i can think about is my family, where is my family?~! i will never see them again

even when the house stopped...i felt like i couldn't breathe....where is my family?!

i think everybody wants an identity dear, these are the words from the video i sent you. i know this might be weird, or a shock but i'm ok. i just found this video that represents my feelings. last year when i found this, i forgot about it...then i found it again... there is a reason i said i'd be happy alone it wasn't cuz i thought id be happy alone it was because i thought if i loved someone and then it fell a art, i might not make it its easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it what then you don't have and lean on it what if you shape your life around it and then... it falls apart can you even survive that kind of pain losing love is like organ damage..its like dying the only difference is, death ends this....it can go on forever when i saw this last year, i was so sad. arlene was not in the picturer...just me, and my boys but now, everything

beyonce and Jay Z on a ski trip with me and Jan. Jay Z

i finally know the feeling. the feeling to know for sure your feeling. not the uncertainty. the feeling you always been waiting for but when it comes you don't want it because its scary. i don't know if i can ever go back to the beginning feelings with him. i don't believe. i don't have faith anymore. we are so many worlds apart. there is no understanding, no dimensions, no space between us. i feel one dimentional. its not that i don't care, i do, deeply for him but it is here. my clarity. i finally know the feeling of owning my feelings. it is exhilerating but at the same time unknown. this feeling is so peaceful like the flowers in the meadow moving from the wind. i think it may be too late. he has always been late. always been many steps behind. i use to be angry. Now i am at peace. why is he so late? it doesn't matter because that is life. we all learn one way. i have so much resentment towards him not seeing me. but that may be my problem. my own need to be validated as an emotional being. i want to be loved. i want to feel love. i want to share my feelings of love. trying to erase everything that has happened, i don't think he will ever understand my black box. it may be too complex and i don't have the energy to try. i am too old and impatient to wait. truth is, I am of age. that is another feeling i finally feel. peaceful. i finally understand him. and all of them. it is life's cycle. everyone learns at their own pace. one example that says it all: i like to wallow and bury myself in dark, depressing, music that plucks away my emotions. he likes to listen to hip hop that talks about sex, drugs, money, and the hard life.