endearing
feeling of importance,
him thinking about me
i can give him the world as long as I feel loved and thought of

that's all i want
in your voice, in your words, in your actions.

As long as I know and feel that he loves me and thinks the world of me
everything else is irrelevant

as long as I feel i am one of the most important parts to his life, I'm happy.

there is something going on with my body. i feel as if i'm in a haze all day yesterday. haven't been sleeping. tossing and turning, waking up a couple times in the middle of the night. feel sluggish. even if it is that time of month, i never felt so weak. i work out. but my injuries are coming back....i'm so miserable.

super bad mood. trying not to eat anything unhealthy. its driving me insane. I don't feel well. food is not digesting. feel like throwing up. I feel the food stuck in my pipes. fuck. feel like a haze. horrible sleep last night. soreness of my shoulder and hips are so painful i can cry. what the fuck. i feel like collapsing thinking to wake up and everything will be ok.

i like the lounge here. it reminds me of school. i don't know why but i love libraries. they make me happy. like maps. like walking around new york city by myself, enjoying every detail of the madness the surrounds you when you get a cup of coffee.

i'm insane. so is everyone i know so does that make me normal. why do i feel so bad? it's not my fault. no it is. yes it is. no it is. fuck

buying time. fuckin insane. why is it so expensive. what ever happened to the days when time was nothing. you can have 2 layovers and it was nothing. you were just a kid who was happy eating chips and not caring about being fat!

film - emmy - what is this all about?

8.29.10
lets all be good together

mindblowing

next morning: forgot about the blog...

hallelujah

how i feel inside

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSJbYWPEaxw&ob=av2e

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

what happened to stopping time? feel the space in between time and experiencing what goes on inside?

For the longest time, i have always wanted to write everything down. so many things to say about things, feelings, people, air, color, outlets, everything tangible and intangible.

my inspiration. my motivation quite not there yet

i have a longing for more inspiration. it is like drugs. so strong and overbearing except is is not poisonous

how come i..

i need a sit up pillow to write in bed. this sucks

what happens when you're fighting with yourself? am I?

wanting something that is not there. wanting it so bad that you realize you don't want it that much.

im tired but i always go back

i don't want to fight

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

4.24

april 24, 2010

i dont' care, i absolutely don't care....

i shun upon it, i have feelings of disgust....

how on earth have i ended up with this person in my life?

Someone with a wrtched sun that looks like a female and acts like one..

How did I end up with this man in my life that believes that the world does not revolve around him but wishes for it badly that acts like it...

i hope this is the last..this is the final time....

I believe and know I am better...that is why i fight. that is why i have so much rage.

i don't want to understand. I don't want to care. because these people on earth, ruin everything for others.

these are the kind of people that make others cry. unhappy, filled with sorrow

i hate him. rude, selfish, insecure everything i hate about a human being is in him.

self righteous, world revolving around him, everything always linked back to him.

he must be so and so like me. they must be great like me, she must be so kind like me. yada yada yada

everything is about him to put himself up on a pedastal. everything in his life he needs to take from it and make his own because he can't make it on his own.

then he has that sap childhood memory he uses as an excuse.

oh and the blaming situation he loves to do on everyone. nothing is every his fault so what he says. inside, he knows he has some part to blame but that ego of his...nothing can stop it because he's still racing with himself for acceptance. never learned how to listen to others. never learned how to take himself out of the game and be present with a good heart.

how dare him say he is a kind person. how dare he walk around telling and proclaiming he is a great person. my gosh. no wonder he is not successful. no wonder he has a retarded son. no wonder melissa is his worst enemy. no wonder he has cheap friends that would never give him a dime if he was the last slave on earth.

it's truly sad i am with this kind of person. i am truly sad.

I am stupid. god get me out...

ocean ken

what happens when you doubt yourself keep thinking about what ifs....fools

i haven't listened to chinese music in a year....ever since moving back, i haven't touched it...while driving to the ocean, I was in a blur. i wanted something to save me. i wanted to feel the connection to something. i wanted to have something tell me or give me the ok that things are ok. i needed some security. i listened to chang zhen yue's latest album (came out abt 3 years ago). i miss him. memories...it waas like tears and over anxiety like you were waiting for test results.

i remember driving up the coast of tpe. just him, me. music, and the ocean view and feeling so clean. not free because we both had so many worries in our life so much bs and drama. i remember listening to this album, letting the music take over....just feeling life. all the sadness and misery in one car with the ocean. he felt free as well with me. it wasn't like an infatuation but understanding that we have each other and it was enough in that moment.

i miss this. i miss listening to chinese music and feeling sad. completely feeling sad. the language is so beautiful. not like english where things are just blah....what have i done.....should i have stayed? always a question with me.

i want to call him....but too early.