yearning

GOD DAMN i iss traveling. i miss europe. I miss paris. I miss london. I miss my god damn sense of freedom of not giving a fuck and just going. my bose headphones is forcing me to reminisce the past and fall in love with is all over again. I forgot I had so much hope, dreams, plans, semi committments but shit, not anymore. During Covid quarantine, it's as if I erased all of that. God I miss him though. I miss the race, the chase, the smiles, the fuckin looks. ALONE that makes me miss ...... but miss what? a snippet of something that was 'FUN'? The flitry days? I mean, I love my marriage. I love my husband. But god dan, these bose headhpones.......what you do to me is like posion. I wsa exploring europe. I was exploring the possibilities. I was going. I was GOING. I was invincible. But....The universe had other plans. But sitting here I am ALLOWERD to love that. TO FEEL THAT. TO WANT THAT. No? I can't do it with David. Too powerful. David is my kryptonite. I just fall hard.Maybe it's becasuse of my past? He's been there. through it, not literally but in my mind. definitely timelie wise. But M has been just a breath of fresh air. Much needed dose evry now and then. Why can't I have it all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA wtf am I thinking Hanz Zimmer......wtf...that was another connection. WHat is the universe tellling me?I want to love everything. but it's not reality. Can I love everyything else while loving JAN. it's not me. HE won't allow it. roles reversed, I wouldn't allow it

someone take me over. take me away. i want freedom. I wan tto go where ever the fuck I want I don't want to consider anytone else but me Slefish? yes i guess. So many considerations. So manyb peope to please. what makes us happhy? Maybe that is the question. what is going to meka eus happy? but we don't have ecombined happniess we don't want the same things. I think that is the problem. that is the issue. we don't want thte same thing. we are not the same and how ever we fight, it will never be the same

the core

wow, my last post was 2015, 4 years ago. So much has changed. I realized I am so scared, my identity seems to have been stripted away little by little, inch by inch. As I was writing to my sister this morning, the last decade and a half, my life was modeling. whether I liked it or not, it was it. it was my bread and butter. It was my life. It was my freedom. It was my escape. Coronavirus has stripped all of that away from me. 2 weeks ago when I got back to Manhattan from 2 weeks of traveling, I thought to myself finally, I can get back to my normal routine. I was away in Feb in LA to see my dad, only to learn he was staying longer due to the virus. We had finally found some semblence of normalcy. We had agreed to stay in NYC for another year. I opened a new door to meditation and spirituality. This was going to be my focus. and day by day, the uncertainty grew like an unknown tumor until what we were faced with everything shutting down....economy slowly stopping, no one every would think it will happen to them but it happened to me. This morning. I realized it wasn't my husband or his company I was losing. I was losing myself. I was losing my identity. I was losing my life. The life I so cherished and pranced around about. It is gone. Indefinitely. Can I just mourn this? I didn't think I was the one mourning. I never thought I would be the one losing my shit. But I am. Al my plans of working in europe. All my runaway plans with myself exploring the world when I had a perfect world at home. the last week I've been so positive, telling everyone I was great, meditating, working on myself. Utilizing this time to do me. But it may have been a form of denial. Being a stay at home wife for a 2 weeks was wonderful but the truth always comes out. I wasn't cut out to do this. I kept saying this is the universe telling us what we need to do. What is the universe telling me to do??? switch identity? But did the universe want to tell me how to transition? Thank you to my sister for throwing this realization to me.