4.24

april 24, 2010

i dont' care, i absolutely don't care....

i shun upon it, i have feelings of disgust....

how on earth have i ended up with this person in my life?

Someone with a wrtched sun that looks like a female and acts like one..

How did I end up with this man in my life that believes that the world does not revolve around him but wishes for it badly that acts like it...

i hope this is the last..this is the final time....

I believe and know I am better...that is why i fight. that is why i have so much rage.

i don't want to understand. I don't want to care. because these people on earth, ruin everything for others.

these are the kind of people that make others cry. unhappy, filled with sorrow

i hate him. rude, selfish, insecure everything i hate about a human being is in him.

self righteous, world revolving around him, everything always linked back to him.

he must be so and so like me. they must be great like me, she must be so kind like me. yada yada yada

everything is about him to put himself up on a pedastal. everything in his life he needs to take from it and make his own because he can't make it on his own.

then he has that sap childhood memory he uses as an excuse.

oh and the blaming situation he loves to do on everyone. nothing is every his fault so what he says. inside, he knows he has some part to blame but that ego of his...nothing can stop it because he's still racing with himself for acceptance. never learned how to listen to others. never learned how to take himself out of the game and be present with a good heart.

how dare him say he is a kind person. how dare he walk around telling and proclaiming he is a great person. my gosh. no wonder he is not successful. no wonder he has a retarded son. no wonder melissa is his worst enemy. no wonder he has cheap friends that would never give him a dime if he was the last slave on earth.

it's truly sad i am with this kind of person. i am truly sad.

I am stupid. god get me out...

ocean ken

what happens when you doubt yourself keep thinking about what ifs....fools

i haven't listened to chinese music in a year....ever since moving back, i haven't touched it...while driving to the ocean, I was in a blur. i wanted something to save me. i wanted to feel the connection to something. i wanted to have something tell me or give me the ok that things are ok. i needed some security. i listened to chang zhen yue's latest album (came out abt 3 years ago). i miss him. memories...it waas like tears and over anxiety like you were waiting for test results.

i remember driving up the coast of tpe. just him, me. music, and the ocean view and feeling so clean. not free because we both had so many worries in our life so much bs and drama. i remember listening to this album, letting the music take over....just feeling life. all the sadness and misery in one car with the ocean. he felt free as well with me. it wasn't like an infatuation but understanding that we have each other and it was enough in that moment.

i miss this. i miss listening to chinese music and feeling sad. completely feeling sad. the language is so beautiful. not like english where things are just blah....what have i done.....should i have stayed? always a question with me.

i want to call him....but too early.