yearning

GOD DAMN i iss traveling. i miss europe. I miss paris. I miss london. I miss my god damn sense of freedom of not giving a fuck and just going. my bose headphones is forcing me to reminisce the past and fall in love with is all over again. I forgot I had so much hope, dreams, plans, semi committments but shit, not anymore. During Covid quarantine, it's as if I erased all of that. God I miss him though. I miss the race, the chase, the smiles, the fuckin looks. ALONE that makes me miss ...... but miss what? a snippet of something that was 'FUN'? The flitry days? I mean, I love my marriage. I love my husband. But god dan, these bose headhpones.......what you do to me is like posion. I wsa exploring europe. I was exploring the possibilities. I was going. I was GOING. I was invincible. But....The universe had other plans. But sitting here I am ALLOWERD to love that. TO FEEL THAT. TO WANT THAT. No? I can't do it with David. Too powerful. David is my kryptonite. I just fall hard.Maybe it's becasuse of my past? He's been there. through it, not literally but in my mind. definitely timelie wise. But M has been just a breath of fresh air. Much needed dose evry now and then. Why can't I have it all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA wtf am I thinking Hanz Zimmer......wtf...that was another connection. WHat is the universe tellling me?I want to love everything. but it's not reality. Can I love everyything else while loving JAN. it's not me. HE won't allow it. roles reversed, I wouldn't allow it

someone take me over. take me away. i want freedom. I wan tto go where ever the fuck I want I don't want to consider anytone else but me Slefish? yes i guess. So many considerations. So manyb peope to please. what makes us happhy? Maybe that is the question. what is going to meka eus happy? but we don't have ecombined happniess we don't want the same things. I think that is the problem. that is the issue. we don't want thte same thing. we are not the same and how ever we fight, it will never be the same